[Boy] Some boys don't get picked in life,
for all sorts of reasons.
- Get a move on, Linton. - All right. Hempel.
He's German.
- Shivers. - He's Welsh.
Oh, God. Thompson.
He's got polio.
And that's me.
Fuckin' Ada! Rubens.
My name is Bernie Rubens, and this is my story.
This is my family outside our shop.
And that's my dad. He's a bit strange.
He eats in his vest and pants because he doesn't like stains.
He wants the house so clean
that our carpet has to have another carpet on top of it.
Every time the doorbell rings, my parents almost have a heart attack.
God!
Esther? Are you there?
Dad also doesn't like driving over 25 miles per hour,
- any kind of dog... - [dog whines]
... the taxman...
[woman] Manny? Dinner!
I'm pretty sure he doesn't like his brother Jimmy.
Right, here's a good one. Listen to this.
So, me wife's giving birth. She has twins.
That's it, I faint. Boom. Flat out on the floor.
Excuse me, darling. I come round and she's crying.
I says, "What's the matter?" She says, "You fainted!"
"We had to get your brother in to name the kids!"
I said, "What'd he call them?" "He called the girl Denise."
I said, "Very nice. What'd he call the boy?"
"De nephew." Now...
You see, that's the schlemiel I've got for a brother.
They say it all started the first time my grandpa took them swimming.
[With heavy Eastern European accent] Swim!
[Father laughs]
That's my boy, Jimmy! That's my boy.
See, Manny? It's easy.
[Father whoops]
[Chuckles] It always works. If it didn't, you'd drown.
So you swim!
Manny?
Manny!
[Muffled] Manny!
[Jaunty ballroom music]
The only thing Dad was ever really good at was dancing.
Mum and Dad met in a dance hall and danced all night.
Mum says he swept her off her feet
and so she promised to stick with him for the rest of her life,
in sickness and in health.
Problem is, she never got the health bit.
Jimmy, don't eat 'em all.
Mr Rubens.
Duodenal ulcer. Repetitive.
Manny, before I forget, I baked you some macaroons.
If family's bad, school's worse.
Faster! Get a move on!
I go to school with my brother Alvie...
Get off him!
- He's mine! - ... but we're not especially close.
At home, me and Alvie share a bedroom,
but I'm not allowed to touch any of his things, especially his rug,
which makes going to the toilet at night extremely dangerous.
- [Thwack] - Ow!
- [Thwack] - Agh!
[Manny] The traffic's gonna be chock-a-block.
It's all right, Manny.
All right, have we got everything?
It all finally came to a head last summer.
Come on, Manny, be a devil. Drive faster than you can walk.
Let's get home before Christmas.
- Keep your mouth shut. - Me ulcer!
- Where's me milk? - What milk?
Mum was spending so much time shouting at Alvie and worrying about Dad...
Where's Bernie?
... I think she just forgot about me.
[Shouts] Mum!
I had to make some impression on the world soon,
- or I was going to disappear forever. - [Shouts] Mum!
* Somebody help me, yeah
* Somebody help me now
Dad!
* Won't somebody tell me what I've done wrong
Mum!
* Somebody help me, yeah
* Somebody help me now
- * Someone who can make me feel - Help!
- * Make me feel all right - Mum!
- Dad! - * Somebody help me, yeah
* Oh, yeah Somebody help me...
And then, one day, I was sat in between four of the weirdest-looking boys
when an old blind rabbi came to my rescue.
Shalom, boys, shalom,
and welcome to your first bar mitzvah class.
We have a long way to go.
But first, let me tell you where it is that we are going.
A bar mitzvah is the most important time in a person's life.
It is the day you commit your life to God.
It is the day God himself listens to you
and pays you regard.
It is the day when a boy becomes a man.
It is an epic two-day festival
at which you are the absolute centre of attention.
At my bar mitzvah, God would switch on a spotlight
and for the first time, everyone would really see me.
From that moment on, I became the greatest party organiser in history.
I spent every minute preparing for the day
when Bernie Rubens would walk on water.
[Rabbi] Everybody you know will be invited,
everyone will come, there will be presents everywhere.
And you stand there,
on that day,
a son of the commandments, a bar mitzvah.
[Bernie] My bar mitzvah is going to make my brother's look like a children's tea party.
Mine would be the Gone With The Wind of bar mitzvahs.
It was going to be the Cassius Clay of bar mitzvahs.
The Jesus Christ of bar mitzvahs.
In nine months' time, I was going to be a legend.
That England team, they got two chances.
No chance and fat chance.
Big bugger, ain't it?
Very big bugger, Leo. Very big.
[Leo] Hm.
All right?
Oh.
I'm only guessing, but would I be right in presuming
that you, sir, are Mr Rubens, and this is your fine son?
No.
[Jimmy] You ain't even opened yet. How can you be expanding?
No man can hold back the tides of change, Mr Rubens.
Now, one option is that you come and work for us.
You bring your customers over.
Not in our family. I've never bowed my knee to another man.
I think we should be realistic here.
With our low pricing policy, our advertising budget,
the degree of choice we offer, Fine Fare's sheer size...
And you think that's what makes a successful business?
- Yes. - Let me tell you.
We've known our customers for years. They have a loyalty you cannot buy.
- Mr Rubens, I understand... - And we're Jewish.
If you know your Bible, you'll know we take on Goliaths and win.
And I'll tell you why. One word.
Underdog.
Well, that's two words.
- One word. - Maybe hyphenated.
You can count on the English
to back the underdog, Mr Spender.
[Brass band music plays over Tannoy]
Oy a broch.
Excuse me, ladies. Leave us a bit of a path, would you?
- Thank you. - Excuse me!
Come on, get your rock-hard tomatoes, one-and-four a pound!
[Bernie] Dear Mr Vaughan,
my name is Bernie Rubens, fan club membership number 856.
I am soon to be celebrating my bar mitzvah
and I'd be very happy if you could perform on the night.
I hope you don't mind me writing to you,
but as my uncle Jimmy always says, that's the thing about being Jewish. :
You haven't got a foreskin,
so to make up for it, you need a lot of balls.
My party will be held at the Henshaw Hotel.
[Smooth jazz plays]
As it happens, I'm actually going there this weekend
for my cousin Rosella's wedding.
It really is a magnificent venue.
Estherle.
- Mazel tov. - Thank you.
- Mazel tov, Uncle Henry. - Thank you, Benjamin.
Bernard.
So Hymie's on his deathbed, and he says to his wife,
"Get the priest, I want to convert."
She says, "You've been a Jew all your life. Why convert?"
He says, "Better one of them should die than one of us."
"Better one of them should die than one of us."
[Lila laughs]
Will it be you or Jimmy giving the wedding toast, Manny?
No, Manny's giving it, Rabbi. He's the older brother.
[Rabbi] I don't know about you,
but I always think the secret of a good wedding toast
is a little levity.
This is, after all, a time of celebration, of joy, and...
He means, break the habit of a lifetime
and for God's sake be funny, Manny.
And we remember Rosella's Uncle Bennett,
who died of a stroke last year.
Also last year on her mother's side, Uncle Samuel,
dead with his kidneys.
Also her second cousin David,
gone these three years from heart failure.
I'm sure they're all smiling down on us,
along with her grandmother Rachel,
who recently succumbed to cancer of the head.
I'm sorry, that's the wrong card.
Bowel. It was cancer of the bowel.
But we mustn't only look at the sad side of things.
We should also be grateful
for those of us here today who might not have been.
Cousin Alfred had a very bad motorcycle sidecar accident recently
and he received severe injuries to the head.
But he is here with us today.
He may no longer be the sharpest stick in the box,
but he's still always very welcome, as indeed are both his balls...
Sorry, parents.
I think we all agree that Alfred is a brave batsman
who will be ready for whatever balls God bowls at him.
The same could not be said for Uncle Monty,
who has been institutionalised
because his mind is completely fermischt.
- But I'm pleased... - [Bernie wheezes]
I'm pleased to say that Sadie and the twins are here with us today
having just recovered from the salmonella incident. So...
could you all please be upstanding
for Rosella and Esther...
I mean, Rosella and Lester.
- Rosella and Lester. - [All] Rosella and Lester!
- [Man] Rosella and Lester. - [Band plays Klezmer music]
[Wheezing intensifies]
Breathe.
He's not very good at breathing. Always had a bit of a weak chest.
No one knows why.
Do you know what set it off? Anything out of the usual happen?
No.
I want you to try this. Breathe out...
breathe in.
Well, Mrs Rubens, do you want the good news or the bad news?
Bad.
The bad news is, your son has asthma.
Is that... Is it...? What is it?
Bernie's very sensitive airways can make breathing difficult.
I've got an asthma clinic on Mondays and Thursdays.
Why don't you send this young man along, see if we can help?
Darling, our table's ready.
All right.
You get some rest now, Bernie.
OK.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Good boy.
[Door opens]
Just gonna turn the gas off now. The room's warm enough.
- Goodnight. - [Bernie] Goodnight, Dad.
Just checking it went out.
It's definitely out.
Goodnight, boys.
[Esther] Manny! Are you coming to bed?
He is such an idiot.
[* Verdi's La Traviata: Un di, felice, eterea]
[Milkman] Morning. [Woman] Morning.
[Man] And expand...
[woman] I'm popping out.
Have a good time.
- Bye, Bernie. - Bye.
Very good.
Well, now, according to this, you're actually dead.
Got any hobbies, Bernie?
Football, I expect, is it?
I was a centre forward. Not much use any more, I'm afraid.
Still, I'd probably get into the England team, the way they're playing now.
Did you see the score against Poland?
1-1. Against Poland.
I know it was just a friendly, but honestly...
All right. The good news is, I think we can help you.
I want you to come for breathing classes once a week.
The bad news is, I want you to give this note to your PE teacher.
You won't be able to play football for a while.
Really?
[Bernie] What a stroke of luck.
Now I could devote my time to the seating plan.
For example, I was thinking of moving Alvie
in between Mr Solkin and Mr Kaye,
well known for having the worst breath in North London.
Cocktails would also be key to a swinging party.
I'd give it a nine.
- You said the vodka martini was a nine. - Definitely.
You're giving everything the same score.
Nine again.
I'm sorry, Bernie, I only really like lemonade.
Just try this.
- What is it? - It's a Bloody Mary.
I'm only asking.
- [Woman] I was just having a look. - [Man] Yeah.
It's time.
We don't have to.
Know your enemy, that's what I always say.
Otherwise, how can you defeat them?
- I can't, I got Bernie's class. - We won't be long. Come on.
[Distant chanting]
We work on it two hours a night
and then three hours a day at weekends.
I tell Raymond, "You can't play outside so much now,
you have to sit with your old dad and learn the Torah."
He doesn't mind. It keeps us out of trouble.
Yeah.
Keeps us on the right side of the law.
The ten months I've spent helping Stephen study for his bar mitzvah
have been the most important months of my life.
It brought back wonderful memories of my own father
and the special times we shared
before he went mad.
It makes the time we had together even more precious.
[Woman] Those are lovely. Look.
Look at this quality.
What is it?
It's an avo-caydo.
And it's the end. It's definitely the end.
I've been playing in a bridge team for 20 years
and tonight is the night of the regional final
that we've been working towards for 20 years.
But I've decided it's more important to be here tonight
with my wonderful son,
than to be there, fulfilling the dream of a lifetime.
[Rabbi clears throat]
We'll give him another minute, shall we, Bernie?
Mixed hors d'oeuvres, sorbet, tongue and stuff.
Is this them?
All right, all right, I know.
Your dad had business to attend to. I'm sorry. We're sorry. He's sorry.
Mum, this is Mr Kimmel. He's one of the dads, and he's a caterer.
- We've been discussing the party. - Oh?
- Nice to meet you, Mrs Rubens. - Nice to meet you.
Bernie tells me you're planning a formal dinner for around 250 guests, right?
Oh?!
[Esther] Said he'd have a separate children's menu.
Wanted to know if they did ice sculptures.
He's done drawings of great Jews in literature as a starting point.
You're going to have to tell him.
Or you could sell the shop. Then there'd be plenty of money.
I'm telling you and Jimmy, I am not selling the shop.
It is a matter of principle.
Principle? No, it's not. It's out of fear.
You're too afraid to change. Anything.
I'm not selling.
Well, then you'll have to tell your son about his cut-price bar mitzvah.
Take him out for the day on Sunday. Tell him then.
- What am I going to do with him? - I don't know, Manny.
Do whatever normal fathers and sons do.
Be his dad. Just for a day.
[* Lovin' Spoonful: Daydream]
- [Impatient beeping] - * What a day for a daydream
* What a day for a daydreamin' boy
You shouldn't be allowed on the road!
* Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy
* And even if time ain't really on my side
* It's one of those days for taking a walk outside
* I'm blowing the day to take a walk in the sun
* And fall on my face on somebody's new mowed lawn...
- Pass. - Attaboy. Shoot!
[Man] Well done.
- Thanks a bunch, mister (!) - Thanks, mate (!)
* And you can be sure that if you're feeling right
* A daydream will last long into the night
* Tomorrow at breakfast you may prick up your ears...
[man] Look at that.
[Dog snarls]
- [Barks] - Run!
Hurry up, Dad! Dad!
- [Vicious snarling] - [Both shriek]
[Barks]
No one's expecting you to be clever.
You think your zayde was clever?
He wasn't clever. In fact, he was a bit of a putz.
He was practically backward. But he was a worker.
Yeah, he worked.
He was backward, but he went forward because he worked.
If your zayde hadn't got run over, who knows what he'd be?
'Cause he tried.
- I tried. - You? Tried?
22%/, you say you tried?
"Where is the alimentary canal?"
"Egypt".
Don't encourage him, Jimmy.
Manny? Any other conversations you were thinking about?
Yeah. So... [clears throat]
We have another son
with a bar mitzvah.
We're thinking that we might make it more...
- Cosy. - Cosy.
OK. What do you mean?
Well... with more of a family feel.
Right. So what?
Well, less people.
- Less people? - Yeah, maybe a hundred guests.
- A hundred? - It's still a sizeable amount. 100's plenty.
I had 200 at mine.
[Manny] Things are different now.
Since Fine Fare opened, our takings have halved.
But the Empire Suite will be half-empty.
No, it won't. You're not having the Empire Suite.
The Rainbow Room will be better.
The Rainbow Room's the size of that kitchen!
[Esther] Don't be silly. No one's complained about space in there, have they, Lila?
They have not.
That is one of the most spacious kitchens I've ever enjoyed.
[Rabbi] Goodbye, boys. See you next week.
Well done. Off you go. Keep practising.
- Bye, Bernie. - Bye, Bernie.
Ah, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.
You're very quiet today, Bernie.
Not sulking, I hope?
So you have a smaller reception room. That's not so bad, is it?
I don't think you understand how much this means to me.
It means a lot to your father, too,
and he is worrying about the business, so...
Look.
"The most important life-affirming event in a boy's life,
so spare no expense, break the bank."
They spared no expense at Alvie's bar mitzvah.
And do you remember what it did to your parents?
The stress? The tears?
The hair loss?
Your parents cannot cope with a big event. That's the truth of it.
If he worries, she worries. You want your mother worrying?
You want her to go bald? Is that what you want?
- Mm? What's that? - No.
No.
So you put a nice face on it, Bernie.
Lighten the load, OK?
You know, a smaller reception is more fashionable now.
It's more modern.
- Exclusive? - Exclusive. Exactly, yes.
OK.
[Bernie] I suppose it's very easy in a huge room
for everything to just become a great big party
without any focus on the person it's all actually about.
But in a smaller room, I could be the real centre of attention.
[* The Tony Hatch Band: Downtown]
I decided to cut the dross out of Alvie's guest list.
The people who'd just given him pens, like Zelda and Monty Glitzman.
And on rechecking, everyone who is now dead.
OK. I'll need to redesign the seating plan.
That's my boy. That's my boy.
You cannot keep Bernie Rubens down, am I right?
Are you wearing your nice face now? I think you are.
There's a smile there, yes?
You know, this reminds me so very much of my own bar...
Bernie?
[Bernie] Dear Ronnie and Reggie Kray, my name is...
... Alvie Rubens, and I'm soon to be celebrating my bar mitzvah.
The problem is, I'm planning a really exclusive occasion
and I'm going to have to disappoint a large number of people.
Could you supply a couple of heavies on the door?
It's lovely to meet you boys at last. Terry talks about you all the time.
Quite kings of the castle at St Joseph's, eh?
The Fabulous Four.
- [Boy exhales] - [Tv in background]
So what is a bar mitzvah, Bernie? It's like a birthday, is it?
It's bigger than that.
It's when I become a man, and the greatest day of my life.
Turn that down, will you, Stan? More fish fingers?
Yeah.
And you have a party, do you?
Yeah. It's not going to be quite as big as it was.
It's more exclusive. You can come if you like.
- When is it? - 30th of July.
That rings a bell.
Stan, any reason why July the 30th rings a bell?
It's the World Cup final.
July the 30th is the World Cup final?
Yes. World Cup final day, July 30th.
We'll make it provisional, darling.
We'll come if England are knocked out,
but obviously if England make the World Cup final, it's a no.
It's the World Cup final. We'll have to change the date.
Don't be silly. That'd be an offence against God and man. Manny, tell him.
It'd be an offence against God and man.
No one will turn up if England reach the final.
England won't reach the final.
But if they do, it'll just be our family and the rabbi.
- Count me out. - Believe me,
no one will want to watch a stupid football match over your bar mitzvah.
[Pants]
Mum, Bernie's stopped breathing again.
Truth is, Bernie, there's not much physically wrong with your lungs.
But asthma can have other causes.
Is there anything particularly worrying you at the moment?
Do you think England can get into the World Cup final?
I see. Well, I don't know, Bernie.
There's some fine players in the squad. Moore, Bobby Charlton.
But you wouldn't say they were the favourites, would you?
No, suppose not.
There's Brazil. And Portugal have got Eusébio.
Hang on a minute.
Why don't you borrow this?
[Phone rings]
- [Dr Barrie] Dr Barrie. - [Bernie] It all became clear.
All my future happiness hung in the balance
and football was the key.
Got to dash, I'm afraid.
No, no, finish your juice. And try not to worry.
England could surprise us all yet.
Just keep your fingers crossed.
From that moment on, my life only had one purpose.
I needed to know everything about everything to do with football.
To save my bar mitzvah, I had to make the World Cup my obsession.
The only thing that mattered was that England did not reach that final.
[Commentator] Sir Stanley Rous and FIFA officials
presided over the draw for the World Cup competition
at a London hotel today.
[Man in hotel] England versus Uruguay
in the opening match on July the 11th at Wembley.
Come on, let's play football!
- Rabbi, I have a question for you. - Yes, Bernie?
- It's about morality. - Of course it is.
What if someone doesn't want their own country to win the World Cup?
- Well... - Can they still go to heaven?
This I'll have to look into.
It's not specifically dealt with in the Old Testament.
[Bernie] All around the world, the last warm-up matches were being played,
from Moscow to Rio de Janeiro.
And then they were on their way.
From every corner of the earth they came.
The mighty knights of the age. : Eusébio, Rattín, Pelé of Brazil.
The heroes who only had one purpose in life. :
To stick up for Bernie Rubens and his bar mitzvah.
Leo, how can you sell to them? You've been in fish for generations.
It was never my shop. You know what I mean?
The old man dies, me and Tony, it was just expected I'd take it on.
But me? It was never what I wanted. Fuckin' fish.
We're going to halve the money.
I'm going to set up me own thing, y'know? Promoting sporting events.
You should think about doing the same thing.
Start fresh. Get out from under Jimmy's wing.
Listen, my uncle Angelo's got this shoe shop. He's going back to Italy...
- Do I know from shoes? - I'm just saying, think about it.
Men our age, we don't get many chances like this.
My capital is tied up in another establishment just now,
but I'm looking to move into a new area.
But I'll be seeing a few places. I want something with demand.
Mm. But... everybody has got a foot.
All right. We sell.
Yeah.
- [Esther cackles] - Ooh!
[Crowd chants "England"]
It now gives me great pleasure to declare open
the eighth World Football Championships.
[Dr Barrie] In honour of this auspicious day,
the opening of the eighth World Cup finals,
who do you want to be? England or Uruguay?
Uruguay.
[Commentator] The question remains. : Does this side have the nation's support?
- Heads or tails? - Heads.
Heads it is.
[Commentator] England to kick off. Wembley Stadium a sea of Union Jacks
at this, the opening of the 1966 World Cup.
England off to a nervous start. The Uruguayan underdogs full of fire.
*... sayin' mony mony
* Well shoot 'em down...
[commentator] There's an opportunity there, but no, he's offside.
* Hey, she give me love and I feel alright now...
[commentator] Greaves to Connelly.
Hunt alongside. He's there.
Connelly heads... Oh, just too highl
- * I say yeah - * Yeah
* Yeah...
[commentator] England finding goals are just not coming to them.
Ball to Hunt. It's Greavesl Five English players pushing forward.
Great playl
* Alright
* Hold on
* Alright, baby...
[commentator] These plucky Uruguayans
seem to have an answer to everything.
Cohen to Ball. Only seconds left now.
[Whistle]
[Commentator] There's the final whistle,
and it's nil-nil.
Things look bleak for England as Ramsey's side leave,
having failed to distinguish themselves.
They have been subjected to tremendous pressure.
We've all felt this...
Bloody zombies.
Stan thinks they'll be out next round.
He'd bet his life on it. He thinks Germany will win.
Isn't that right, Stan?
England? Bloody zombies.
They'll be out next round. Bet my life on it. Krauts'll win that again.
- [Doorbell rings] - Excuse me.
After your bar mitzvah, do you have a bit of your...
tonker cut off?
What?
Well, my mum says that you have a bit of your tonker cut off
in front of everyone, by a rabbi, with a cake-knife.
It's not your tonker, it's your cock,
and I've had a bit cut off already.
Well, now, who's the gantze macher ?
[Manny chuckles]
Too much?
Yeah. Too much.
There you are. Victor Mature.
This... is the man I married.
Close your eyes, boys.
[Groans]
Good luck.
Bernie...
I know things might not have been... I know I might have been...
- Can I have an extra 50 guests? - You can have 20.
- 40. - 30.
And an orchestra.
- Four-piece. - Eight-piece.
Done.
Let's hope England don't make the final.
Leave that to me.
[Bernie] By the powers of Asmodeus, Belial
and Abaddon, who destroys and lays waste,
may England be beaten by Mexico in Group 1.
May the one who is known as Charlton suffer most grievous damnation.
Dear Mr Ramsey, if you want to see your wife again,
do not select Bobby Moore for the match on Saturday.
[Spender] Right. Your business is of definite interest to us.
Head office have agreed. We will be making you an offer.
And what sort of offer are we talking about?
Well, it's too early to say...
Yeah, but what sort of figure, roughly?
Head office will decide that, based on your accounts, of course.
There's two sets of accounts. We run the shop as separate businesses.
We'll need to see both, as well as tax returns for the last five years,
and we'll get back to you quick as we can.
- Are you all right, Mr Rubens? - [Manny groans]
Mr Rubens?
It's his tax returns. He's hardly declared anything.
If he hadn't been hiding away that money in the loft...
If he tells them the truth, he'll go to prison.
Oh, God.
He's his own worst enemy.
- [She sobs] - Hey, Es. Come on.
Come on. It's all right.
- What are we gonna do, eh? - It'll be all right.
Come on, now.
You're all right, then?
Do you think this is going to affect my bar mitzvah?
What do you think?
[Ceilidh music plays]
So, in its full glory,
this is the Shamrock Function Room,
and the great thing about this celebratory venue...
- Excuse us. ...is that included in the price,
you have full usage of the bar and the plastic seating
and we'll be throwing in the personal address system
and the musical entertainment itself. Take a look.
The best little band ever to come out of Cork.
Combined ages of over 356,
but they play like teenage troublemakers.
Right, well, I'll let you ponder that, like,
but I just want to say three words to you.
Gift, horse and mouth.
Well, it's clean.
It's not exactly the Henshaw, is it? Can't we use the savings?
- What did you say? - In the loft.
There are no savings in the loft, Bernie.
If there was any savings in the loft, well... they'd be a safety net.
For what?
For emergencies.
What if Alvie wants to go to university?
[Mike reverberates]
Ouch.
Keep 'em closed.
Right. Three, two, one... open 'em!
Ta-dah!
Come on, boys. Come on.
Come on, Manny. Chop-chop. Customer's waiting.
Relax. We shall kneel at your feet and pamper till you purchase.
Look at that. Like a duck to water, eh?
- [Esther] Manny, is that you? - What?
Manny?
Oh. There you are.
Dr and Mrs Barrie, they... come to take Bernie out to the pictures.
They're going to Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines.
Thought they'd have a cup of tea first. Some more?
[Dr Barrie] Thank you very much.
Bernie tells me you were in the RAF, Mr Rubens.
That's right.
I'm sure you fellows had it a lot rougher than us.
It was terrible times.
Before the missions, you couldn't sleep.
You couldn't do anything for the nerves.
You were a pilot?
Cook.
[Mariachi music plays]
Remind me what this is all for.
If Mexico beat England, England definitely won't get through,
so I want to give them all the support I can.
All right, well, "Go on, kick them in the..." is "Patéalos en los...".
Patéalos en los !
- What's "bollocks"? - It hasn't got "bollocks" in.
- Try nuts. - Brazil or almond?
Give it to me. Testicles, you idiot!
- [Crowd roars] - [Mariachi music continues]
Hello?
Dr Barrie?
[Commentator] Hunt has it. An opportunity here.
No, offside.
- Hello? - The goal has been disallowed.
There's Charlton again. Bobby Charlton.
Hunt with him. Charlton trying for a shot...
It's inl A beautiful goal...
Bollocks.
- Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. - England have scored...
That's how the crowd love to see England play.
Kenny?
Hunt is there, but no, the goalkeeper has it...
- He's got enough to do. - Kenny?
Chaires again.
I told you, he won't be back for hours.
The crowd showing their appreciation...
[Bernie pants]
Well, you just can't keep these Mexicans down.
They just keep on coming. England seem to be struggling now.
Now Charlton passing to Greaves. A chance...
A goall Charlton's set it up againl
- No. - [Mrs Barrie] Yes!
[Mrs Barrie] Oh, yes!
[Chant in Hebrew]
[Bernie] Please, God. Tomorrow England play France.
Of course, do whatever you think is right,
but may I suggest giving the whole England team diarrhoea
and breaking a couple of their legs just to be sure?
Thank you.
[Commentator] The England captain Bobby Moore leads out his team
wearing white shirts and dark blue shorts.
[Radio crackles]
... an assured England side... ... same line-up as...
I don't know what's wrong with this thing.
Maybe I should buy a television set like the Franklins.
Then I can have it on all night!
Lovely. Here you are.
- Sit. Everybody, sit. - Boys, quick.
I've been looking forward to this.
- Lovely. - Come on, boys.
- [Esther] Thanks for doing this, Lila. - [Lila] Eat it while it's hot.
[Lila] She was right in front of me...
Mm... Aw!
Very good.
[Jimmy] This is delicious.
Ask me how I am.
- How are you? - Don't ask.
So, you excited, Bernie? All set for your big day?
Football.
You're not still thinking about the final?
I don't know what you're worrying about.
The French are a good side, right?
The goalkeeper's broken his leg.
They've replaced him with Aubour, who hasn't got the greatest record.
Guerin's left Combin out
and switched to a different formation,
which I think is a mistake.
Still, they're fast, the Frogs, though, in't they?
[Commentator] Here comes Greaves, and it's Jack Charlton
and... and Hunt scoresl It's Huntl
[cheers]
Relax. It's a fluke.
They got 55 minutes left. Loads of time.
[Commentator] Bosquier lifts the ball. Gondet's there, but it's too high.
I always say that the good thing about being English
is that even if you do eventually lose, no one really cares.
It's the taking part that matters.
The ball's in the air, and in comes Huntl
A goall Two-nill
[cheers from above]
* En-ger-land, En-ger-land...
Shut up!
- Stop it. Stop it, Bernie! - That's enough.
[Fireworks explode]
* Two-nil, England...
You shut up. And you, stop making such a fuss.
Nothing will go wrong with your bar mitzvah.
Down the hairdresser's, they say the whole thing's just a joke.
Portugal are gonna win, hands down.
The moment England step onto the pitch with that Eusébio,
all your troubles are over.
[Man] Start the winch now!
Load it up!
You'll have to move your car, please, sir.
You were lucky. The attic's gutted, but the roof timbers are sound.
Kids. Fired a rocket through the window.
Excuse me, sir, you mustn't go up there.
- Come on, downstairs. - Sir, you can't go up there.
Sir, it's not safe.
[He sobs]
[Footsteps]
Oh, Manny.
Don't... y'know... Don't blame yourself.
What could you do?
A World Cup Willie with a rocket up its tochus.
Who could predict that?
Come on, Manny. Come back to mine.
Lila'll cook up a storm.
Manny? Manny, come on.
Let's go inside, all right? Yeah?
Yeah, you go off with him!
I know that's what you've always wanted to do!
Go with him!
That's right. I really wanted to go with Jimmy all along.
I only saddled myself with you for the money and the glamorous lifestyle.
You bloody idiot!
Bloody idiot.
- It's all right, my love. - I'm sorry...
It's all right. It's all right. It's all right, Manny.
Hey. Not in front of the boys, all right?
Not in front of the boys.
- They're not here, are they? - No. Inside.
- They didn't see anything? - No, they didn't. Come on.
Come inside. Come inside.
Come on.
- Sorry, Jimmy. - S'all right, mate.
Don't be silly.
- Get a cup of tea, eh? - Yeah.
Thanks.
- You know what this means? - What?
It means now your bar mitzvah really is fucked.
[Bernie chants in Hebrew]
- [Rabbi Linov corrects him] - [Bernie chants]
[Rabbi Linov corrects him]
[Continues to chant in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Linov corrects him]
[Continues to chant]
[Corrects again]
[Continues to chant]
[Corrects again]
You've always been my best student, Bernie.
So what's wrong? Mm?
Are you studying?
- Yeah. - I don't think so.
[Dog growls]
Shh, Gertie.
- Why aren't you studying? - Because there's no point!
The house burnt down, so we haven't got any money,
so we've got to have it at home, and everything stinks of smoke,
and no one's going to come because it's the Cup final,
but my stupid dad and... Ow!
What does it mean to become bar mitzvah?
To be a son of the commandment.
- And what does this mean? - To become a man.
Ah.
And what does it mean to become a man?
Mm?
So, all these months of studying and you cannot answer this.
To become a man is to accept responsibility for your own actions.
Your own sins.
On the day of your bar mitzvah, something real happens.
You become the man you will be for the rest of your life.
Think about this, not the gifts, not the party.
Think about who you are...
...and who you want to be.
Besides, England... never get into the final.
[Commentator] And England kick off in the semifinal.
England's impregnable defence
must face Portugal's fearsome attack.
Come on, England! Come on, England!
- ... blistering shots... - Just popping out.
- No, it goes wide. - Yes. What?
Fine, absolutely. Have a good time, darling.
Here we go. Here we bloody well go.
Hurst...
Now it's Charltonl Charltonl A goall
It's a goall England have scored.
Will that be enough to secure their place in the final?
And that's it.
England have made it to the final of the World Cup 1966...
... defeating a tremendous Portuguese side.
Eusébio breaks down crying...
... as the fans rise to honour Alf Ramsey's players...
... Wembley Stadium resounding with their cheers.
[Phone rings]
Palmers Green, 7168. Hello?
Esther, it's Sarah. Cousin Sarah.
I'm afraid we aren't going to be able to make Bernie's bar mitzvah. Shh!
Hymie's auntie's died.
I thought she died last year.
- [phone rings] - Palmers Green, 7168. Hello?
It's Annie. I don't think I can make Bernie's bar mitzvah.
I'm not well at all. My glands are up. I feel terrible.
All the staff have phoned in sick.
I'll have to do nine appointments that afternoon.
To get the opportunity to go to Fiji, it's once in a lifetime.
Fiji?
Your dog's passed away. I see.
Well, I hope it isn't contagious.
Yeah. All right. Goodbye.
That was Mr Kimmel.
He can't do the catering.
Not a problem. Aunt Lila's been offering to do the whole thing.
Mm.
- What is it? - Guess.
- Potato? - No.
- Chicken. - No. Getting warmer.
- Fish? - Right first time.
What do you think?
Bernie, try some. It's very good.
No, thanks, Auntie Lila.
[Lila sighs deeply]
The icing makes the difference.
Yeah.
Jimmy tells me Manny hasn't turned up for work the last few days.
How is he?
Just stays in bed. Won't get up.
I was thinking about it the other night.
Everything he worries about happening, happens.
It's like he's cursed.
I'd do anything for that man, bless him.
[Manny] Dear Jimmy,
this is your brother Manny writing to you.
I can no longer work for Jimmy's Shoes.
I cannot kneel before other men.
I cannot bow to my brother when he enters the room.
That is my nature.
I've written to Esther, whose life I've ruined for 20 years.
I know that you will look after her and the boys.
They will be better off with you taking care of them
instead of them always taking care of me.
Your brother, lmmanuel.
- What's going on? - [Man] He's had a fall.
He's up there putting that sign up, and just lost his balance.
Down he was, straight away. I saw it happen.
- [Manny] Jimmy! - Bang! Gone.
He came down, like a great thud, it was.
- It's Manny. - He just fell off.
Can I come with him? I'm his brother. Can I?
I'm coming with you. He's not opening his eyes.
- He was too big for that ladder. - Can he hear me?
I'm gonna lock up, then I'm gonna come with you.
[Manny] Jimmy.
He'll be all right.
Jimmy?
Thank you.
I don't deserve...
I'm lucky to have you as a brother. I always have been.
Imagine how dull it would have been, eh? Two like me.
I wouldn't have ever got a single customer.
I'm just the schmuck of the firm.
I'll take this home, shall I?
You coming?
[Phone rings]
Well, Mr Austin, what can you do? If you're ill, you're ill.
And your wife too? And your son?
Who'd have thought something so serious could come on that quickly?
So you'll be all too ill to watch the match, then.
What match?
The World Cup final, you total and utter lying bastard.
Well, good morning, bar mitzvah boy.
Morning.
You look very nice.
England! England!
[Bernie] And so it was that what was supposed to be the best day of my life
turned out to be the best day in the lives of everyone in England
except me.
[Chants in Hebrew]
Triple-checked and locking.
[Chants in Hebrew]
[Passers-by] England! England!
[Taps out "England" chant]
[Bernie chants in Hebrew]
[Rabbi and cantors chant in Hebrew]
[Chants in Hebrew]
England! England!
[Bernie continues to chant]
[Continues to chant]
- [Rabbi and cantors chant in response] - [Bernie continues]
- [Rabbi and cantors] Amen. - [All] Mazel tov.
Mazel tov, Bernie. Mazel tov.
Well, that's the tough part over. Let's go have some fun.
[Doorbell chimes]
Surprise!
Zelda. Monty. Bernie, it's the Glitzmans.
Your invitation must have got lost in the post,
but we knew it was today, so we came anyway.
I made you a Jewish World Cup Willie.
Mazel tov.
Nice to see you. You've grown a lot.
- [Esther] That was nice of them. - [Manny] I didn't think they were invited.
[Esther] You all right for drinks? Food's almost ready.
[Band plays Irish jig]
[Band switches to "Hava Nagilah"]
- Bernie. How you doing? - Fine, thanks, Mr Levine.
- When's the rabbi's leaving? - He's just got here.
We can't leave until he does,
and a few of us would like to see at least a bit of the match.
By the way, nearly forgot your present. There you go.
Maybe you could speed him up a bit.
No.
[Commentator] The roar of the crowd almost drowning out the Royal Marines.
97,000 fans awaiting 22 players.
- Hello, Rabbi Linov. - Ah, there's the young man, then.
Hope all this fuss isn't going to your head.
- No, Rabbi Linov. - Well, mazel tov again.
As the teams walk out onto the pitch,
it's as if every voice in the country is willing England to win this,
their first ever World Cup final.
Sorry, Bernie. Just listening to the wall.
Hurry up, then, sit yourself down.
Yeah. All right, think you'll win?
Nein. No chance.
Gordon Banks, the finest goalkeeper in the world, many say.
Can Bobby Charlton produce another of his blistering goals?
We are moments away now from the kick-off
of this, the final of the 1966 World Cup.
[Bernie] I'd like to thank you all for not coming here today.
You have helped make this
one of the worst bar mitzvah celebrations ever.
I think the only person who could say they had a worse party than me
would be Rabbi Userfs,
who had to strangle a Nazi on his bar mitzvah.
I'd hoped today would be the day when my life actually started,
but all it's done is confirm that it's not going to start.
That it's over before it's begun.
If I'm not enough of a person
to attract the attention of my own mum and dad,
then what chance do I have with anyone else on the planet?
What I've learned about manhood today is that...
I've got to be man enough to face the fact...
...that I'm not important to anyone...
...and never will be.
[Knock on door]
There you are. You ready to do the speeches?
Ready.
Bernie...
Look, I know today hasn't gone quite the way you expected,
but this morning,
in the service,
you were so...
I felt...
I looked down
and I saw my excellent son.
Off.
Come on.
The whistle blows, and that's it, they're off.
The '66 World Cup final has begun.
West Germany in possession... There's a shotl
...and finally Aunt Ruth, who was mercifully taken in her sleep.
But as a wise man once said, this is a time for levity.
And I know this is my son Bernie's big day
and he would like this room to be full of laughter, so...
Well, I'm no Jimmy, but...
- Manny. - No, please.
You have to excuse me, Rabbi.
So this Orthodox Jew, he moves from Poland to London.
He goes back to visit his mum. She says, "Where's your beard?"
He says, "No one wears beards in London."
So she says, "Are you still kosher?"
And he says, "No one's kosher in London."
- So then she says... - "Are you still circumcised?"
No!
- [Man] What? - Sorry.
[Commentator] And the atmosphere at Wembley has changed in an instant.
[They groan]
Now let's hear from our son, who today celebrates his bar mitzvah.
Manny, camera. We should get a photograph first.
Yeah, everyone, please come in, join us.
- Don't be shy. - Please, come into position.
Get a family picture. Zelda, go at the back.
Zelda, I'll follow you.
All right. Bernie, get the tallith on.
- [Manny] It's not clicking. - Is it wound on?
Course I wound it on. It's just not clicking.
- It just needs winding. - I'm telling you, I wound it on.
- [Esther] Alvie, what are you doing? - Got to get my new tattoo in.
- What? - [AIvie] It was the least I could do.
- [Esther] Oh, my God. - You've misspelt England.
[Lila] L-A-N-D.
- Rabbi. Come in. Join us. - Gertie, stay.
- What's wrong with you? - Your mother's right.
If you can't spell it, don't tattoo it.
- You need to wind it on. - I'm telling you, I have!
- That's strange. Lila? - What's that smell?
[Rabbi] Oh, Gertie!
- Hope it's not on my carpet. - It stinks.
- Where's it coming from? - [AIvie] Not me.
- [Esther] Can everyone check their shoes? - [Manny] Take your shoes off.
Check my wheels.
I fixed it. Take it.
- [Manny] Then we'll get some fresh air. - Ready?
Smile. One, two, three. Smile.
- [Esther] On the count of three.? - [Manny] Ready?
Hold your breath. Ready? One, two...
Where's Bernie?
- Where is he? - He was just here.
[AIvie] He's probably in the garage. He's always back there now.
Nah, it's all right.
It's an A. Now cover it up.
Take one now, we'll take another one later.
Bernie?
Alice?
Oh. It's you.
Well, don't you look Jewish?
It's my bar mitzvah.
Yes, of course. That explains the... .
- How'd it go? - Not perfect.
That is the way of the world, Bernie. You'll find that out soon enough.
[Dr Barrie groans]
[Dr Barrie] You're lucky, Bernie, do you know that?
You already know not to expect too much.
Because this is what being a man is like.
- [Wheezes] - It's all right, son. Breathe.
My wife left me.
I'm sorry.
Come on, Bernie.
Come on.
I suppose there's another way of looking at it.
How many boys can say on the day of their bar mitzvah,
England played in a World Cup final?
It may never happen again.
And besides, this team? This England team?
No one believed in them.
People were ridiculing them, calling them this and that,
but they never gave up, did they? They never gave in.
Seems to me that this is a team we should be supporting,
especially on the day of your bar mitzvah.
Now, be honest with me, Bernie.
When all is said and done,
who do you want to win?
England.
- England? - England.
[Commentator] Oh, beautifully defended by Charltonl
If England can just hold on to their 2- 1 lead for another 12 minutes,
the World Cup will be theirs.
Let's go home.
And the Germans keep pressing forward.
They can't make it count.
We're in injury time now and England must do it.
Oh, nol It's a free kick to West Germanyl
They cross it, and it's Weber,
and, yes, they've done itl The Germans have scored...
- Kommen Siel - I don't believe it.
It's England 2, West Germany 2.
Never has the World Cup produced such a finish.
Does this mean they go to extra time?
Yeah.
Good.
[Commentator] There's the end of 90 minutes.
- We won't get in. - But you'll have been there.
You're going to have a bar mitzvah to remember.
[Siren trills]
They'll have to go to extra time here at Wembley.
I know I was speeding, and jumped the red light,
but sir, by my life, it's my first time.
It's my son's bar mitzvah. I've got to get him to Wembley.
We just want to be there. For England.
[With broad Scots accent] Is that right, then?
Isn't that a charming patriotic gesture?
[Bernie sighs]
- Name. - Rubens.
Go!
- Go, go! - Dad, you haven't locked the car.
Sod it.
What if Germany win?
God won't let Germany win. Not on my son's bar mitzvah!
[Commentator] It's Hurst.
It's a goal... or is it?
The referee is consulting the Russian linesman.
He's now pointing at the centre spot.
No, he's given itl It's a goall
Wembley rises to its feet.
- England 3, West Germany 2I - England!
Five minutes left.
What's the score?
Manny. What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here? - Sporting events.
- Well? - It's 3-2 to England.
- [Both] Yes! - This is Jimmy's brother.
- Is he the funny one? - No, I'm the other one.
- Bit late. - We just wanted to be here.
- It's Bernie's bar mitzvah. - Your bar mitzvah? Here.
- Mazel tov. - Thanks.
What a mensch.
- No one's here. - Climb over, climb over.
- All right? - You coming, Dad?
- I'm coming. - Come on, Dad!
[Groans]
Sorry. Excuse us. Dad, come on!
Go on! Go on, then! Hit it!
Go on!
[Crowd roars]
[They chant] England! England!
[Music drowns out dialogue]
Well done, boys!
[Bernie] That was the best moment ever with my dad.
[Cheering crescendos]
And then we went home, and it was the best evening ever.
We had fish and chips, we fooled around.
I don't remember us fooling around before.
[Manny] They've got no goalkeeper. Put it in.
[Jimmy] And it's Esther. It's Alvie.
It's Manny. And there's Esther coming up...
- And he passes to Cohen... - [Manny] Go on, Bernie!
Anyone for bar mitzvah cake?
[Jimmy] And here's Lila coming out with the cake...
[Bernie] But what I now think is this.
What happens when you become a man
is that you stop blaming your dad for not being perfect.
You realise he's just a man
and you love the man he is.
And on my bar mitzvah, my dad became my friend for one day...
... and I loved him.
And I always will.
* Funny, but it's true
* What loneliness can do
* Since I've been away
* I have loved you more each day
* Walking back to happiness
* Woopah, oh, yeah, yeah
* Said goodbye to loneliness
* Woopah, oh, yeah, yeah
* I never knew I'd miss you
* Now I know what I must do
* Walking back to happiness
* I shared with you
* Yay, yay, yay, ya, ba bum be do
* I'm making up for things I said
* Woopah, oh, yeah, yeah
* And mistakes to which they lead
* Woopah, oh, yeah, yeah
* I shouldn't have gone away
* So I'm coming back today
* Walking back to happiness
* I threw away
* Yay, yay, yay, yay, ba bum be do
* Walking back to happiness with you
* Said farewell to loneliness I knew
* Laid aside foolish pride
* Learnt the truth from tears I cried
* Spread the news, I'm on my way
* Woopah, oh, yeah, yeah
* All my blues have blown away
* Woopah, oh, yeah, yeah
* I'm bringing you love so true
* 'Cause that's what I owe to you
* Walking back to happiness
* I shared with you
* Yay, yay, yay, yay, ba bum be do
* Walking back to happiness with you
* Said farewell to loneliness I knew
* Laid aside foolish pride
* Learnt the truth from tears I cried
* Spread the news, I'm on my way
* Woopah, oh, yeah, yeah
* All my blues have blown away
* Woopah, oh, yeah, yeah
* I'm bringing you love so true
* 'Cause that's what I owe to you
* Walking back to happiness
* I shared with you
* Yay, yay, yay, yay, ba bum be do
- * Walking back to happiness again - * Yay, yay, yay, yay, ba bum be do
* Walking back to...